[40 mistakes men make while having sex with
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and
diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the
hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some
kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being
erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a
porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's
face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a
housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.
Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto
a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via
her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick
and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that
thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying
to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just
the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A
woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and
the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far
too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual
dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.
If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom
disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is
very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men,
don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one
very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate
looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater
stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material
up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although
most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina
is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to
stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're
not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently
slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting
to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the
issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your
stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in
socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the
penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an
industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made
obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great
triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks
of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With
reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a
backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to
you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to
her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing
wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought
to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act
like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and
concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in
doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly
to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours;
try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm
tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't
thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't
grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real
life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking
her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work
is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the
captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS
AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that
being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I
take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let
her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination
is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and
licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There
is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she
wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast,
don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this
carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to
exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout
encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a
lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to
finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the
same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more
than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is
not a soup kitchen.